Wellington Needs More Bikinis

>> Friday, December 26, 2008

I decided that to contribute to this cycling-related blog I will go and actually ride a bike. So I saddled up to go on perve fashion ride in search of bikini-clad lovelies who are dehydrated and drunk after shopping and spending time baking in the sun.

So I slathered myself in coconut oil (no cancer fear mongering sunscreen pusher is going to con me),
picked my white Wheelworks kit to go with my white fashion bike - ruing lack of matching team shorts. A quick check to make sure my colour-matching cycling cap (I decided my recently polished helmet might be too *ahem* shiny) was set at a jaunty angle I went round the bays in saunter-y pace.

I was looking forward to Island Bay, Lyall Bay and that one long beach just before Brenda's Pass for some good bikinis. The usual spots had some good bikini spotting, but one particular alcove after the late Chocolate Fish had some particularly fine skimpily-clad lovelies. They were well-balanced, full-bodied (in the right places), with aromatic fruity undertones, and a delight to on the tongue. I counted 4, but one on second (and third) inspection was a little too chubby for my liking.

After the requisite lap and rubber-necking I carried on towards my destination of Oriental Bay. Now, I've been riding for about 40 minutes, but no cyclist going the other way had returned my jovial wave. I finally figured out it was because they were too busy giving longing looks at my hairy gams. These cyclists have resigned themselves that they will no longer match my coconut-scented masculine musk after relinquishing their manliness for the sake of fitting in.

When I arrived at Oriental Bay the bikinis demanded that I stay for a little longer - ice cream was the perfect excuse. The vision of this lanky Adonis with the white lycra clearly defining his muscles approaching the ice cream was too much for some. But the ice cream deserved all the gentle sensitivity, firm pressure and little nibbles I was enjoying.

After my manly eating and exuding pheromones from my sweaty perineum that had been rubbed repeatedly on my saddle it was time to leave the bikini lovelies and head home. Once home the white bike looked a little worn out from the exuberant activity, so with some frotting I produced my organic bike wax and lube and gave the bike a once over.


Let it snow

>> Sunday, December 21, 2008

(cross-post from ohsaycanyousee)

It had been a few days since my last ride and I was beginning to get a bit antsy. Various things had conspired against me including the weather. It seems that something closely resembling winter has arrived to my sunny California. There were various reports of rain (3rd time in 2 months, yeh!) so I'd done some prep at the local REI, no rain was going to stop me. And it turns out it was also quite cold... mid-week, raining and cold, the perfect conditions to bag some forbidden trails.

So I rugged up and headed out into the drizzle - 6 layers including 2 jackets, fancy gloves, gimpy under-helmet cap, etc. As I rode the rain stopped and things started to clear. There were some fuzzy clouds shrouding the hills that looked a bit dubious. I climbed Alpine Rd and the cloud cleared enough to reveal a dusting of snow, fun! I started near sea level and at about 400m I hit the dirt and the first snow, still very wet dripping from the trees etc. I was horrified to see two bike tracks ahead of me! They looked quite fresh so I upped the pace a bit and caught them just as the snow started to become thick on the trail. Yeah now I was bagging fresh snow. There were heaps of bobcat tracks and eventually I spotted one making a hasty exit into the forest.

At the top (about 700m) there are no trees so there was plenty of snow, I guess about 6 inches via my primitive measuring stick. Conditions were primo with the snow squeaking and plenty of traction, straight line climbing and descending was good although any speedy turn sharper than about 90 degrees seemed to require falling off...

I started the main descent back to home which is about 10km downhill. The beginning is sweet single track but I had to do lots of crashing through low hanging foliage loaded with snow. This filled me up with snow in every possible place and I had to stop before the really fast section to clear out helmet vents, gloves, collar etc.

A fun ride but took a while to thaw out. Yay for a hot shower and coffee.


Bikes Of Bushlove & Other Gear and Stuff

>> Monday, December 15, 2008

This is where you will find the bikes of Bushlove and reviews/banter about other gear, bikes, hair removal products, food and if there is a demand - marital aids. It will be linked off the top linkbar.

All reviews are totally impartial except for reviews of gear we might have been given for free or cheap, in which case there is a fair chance we might have to lie about it. Or maybe not. It will be hard to tell.

Please feel free to add your comments or simply slag off the author of any review in the comments field.


The Remington Smooth and Silky EP3000 Epilator - first review

The Remington Smooth and Silky EP3000 Epilator

On seeing how smooth Tiger Tony’s legs were after Belmont I asked him for his manly secrets, expecting wax or petrol burn off but was surprised to hear an epilator was that boys secret.

Wanting to exceed at XC racing I knew what must be done. So a quick flick through the flybuys website (Grooming - Women’s) revealed the Remington Smooth and Silky EP3000, a steal at only 330 points. I typed in my card and waited for my voucher to arrive.

A few days later I excitedly ran down to Noel Leemings as fast as my stumpy legs would go to pick it up. First impressions were that it was a solidly built device, pink (but a nice shade) and fits nicely in the palm of my hand. To address the manliness of the device I found a Burkes sticker to give it a more ghetto feel.

The device has 3 settings, level 1 for fine hair, level 2 for tougher hair and off for when the pain of the 15 tweezers gets too much. However pain levels are kept low thanks to the unique massage fingers on the device. I knew I was in for a treat and was ready to say goodbye to blunt shavers and pocket the cash from all the wax sessions.

Seeing as I like to service all my own XC gear (or attempt to) I inspected device to see how it works. Its basically a bent axle with little metal tweezers than spins causing them to open, grab hair, close and rip those suckers out.

Level 1 sounded all a bit woosey so mainged up and told the epilator operator (BLB) to go straight to level 2 on the back cloak.

The pain was....unpleasant... Imagine having a little oak tree set root on your back, then pulling it out with pliers. There where a few pinpricks of blood, but dont let that put you off. The results are excellent and I don’t expect to be re-epilator’d for a few weeks so no more scaring young children on the beach with my yeti back. The longer hairs do take a few go overs, we found a rotating motion to be best with only gentle pressure being applied.

What you get....

1x Epilator pain device
1x Power adaptor
1x cleaning brush
1x cap
1x picture of a womans nice legs to perv at

What you need.

  • Some bike stickers
  • A loss of all dignity
  • A love of XC racing
  • A hatred for excess body hair, especially back and shoulder.
  • A competant Epilator operator

    The Remington Smooth and Silky EP3000 Epilator gets a Bush lovers 8/10, would have scored a 9 if the grip was carbon.

    Bushlovers… Not ghey at all…

  •

    Cookin' MCs like a pound of bacon........

    >> Wednesday, December 10, 2008

    I'm here for a good time, not a long time.

    After contributing to Bushies' ridiculously large medal and trophy haul for the PNP XC Series, I had only two rides left before I code switched to running for the rest of the summer. Bush running of course.

    I rode Taupo as a relay man with a work team which was a whole lot of fun. I rode the whole thing with my team mates and finished in a slick 6hrs 15. Judging by Clive and Tony's times I could have done about 3hr 30, but I won't go on about it. No offence chaps.

    I had not been on the MTB since the last PNP so gave it a clean to remove the two week old energydrink surgary drool that was covering it's handlebars and top tube. This proved to be a scholl-boy error as a clean and unridden since, machine will jinx your race. And sure it did jinx me, as I proceeded to not win the Open Class. I had a fantastic day out though. Bushlove was strongly represented across the events and once again we showered ourselves with glory - or at least Ricky and Slacky did. The Vets win by Tiger and Bennett might have been tarnished by their 6th overall and only qualifying for Vets by about 4 months. Allegedly.

    Fortunately the only pic of me at the rally is the one above. Which is good as it is a fine excuse to post it. Holy cow - I look like such a sex machine in my shearer/Village People race kit.

    Big ups to Shane and Lisa who htfu and rode Open in the Tour. Good job!

    I've been sluggishly getting back into running and have work to do before I am ready for events like the Tararua Mountain Race, the Crazyman and the Porirua Grand Traverse. I'm also entering three of the long course Scorching Bay Duathlons this summer. Really looking forward to it.

    Happy trails dudes!

    And now for those hot lyrics - Oh yeah - Vanilla FTW!

    Yo VIP let's kick it Ice ice baby (x2)
    All right stop collaborate and listen
    Ice is back with my brand new invention
    Something grabs a hold of me tightly
    Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
    Will it ever stop yo I don't know
    Turn off the lights and I'll glow
    To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
    Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle
    Dance go rush to the speaker that booms
    I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom
    Deadly when I play a dope melody
    Anything less than the best is a felony
    Love it or leave it you better gain weight
    You better hit bull's eye the kid don't play
    If there was a problem yo I'll solve it Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
    CHORUS Ice ice baby vanillla (x4)
    Now that the party is jumping
    With the bass kicked in and the vegas are pumpin'
    Quick to the point to the point no faking
    I'm cooking MC's like a pound of bacon
    Burning them if you ain't quick and nimble
    I go crazy when I hear a cymbal
    And a hi-hat with a souped up tempo
    I'm on a roll and it's time to go solo
    Rollin' in my 5.0 With my rag-top down so my hair can blow
    The girlies on standby waving just to say hi
    Did you stop no I just drove by
    Kept on pursuing to the next stop
    I busted a left and I'm heading to the next block
    The block was dead Yo so I continued to A1A Beachfront Avenue
    Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis
    Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis
    Jealous 'cause I'm out getting mine
    Shay with a guage and Vanilla with a nine
    Reading for the chumps on the wall
    The chumps acting ill because they're so full of eight balls
    Gunshots rang out like a bell I grabbed my nine all I heard were shells
    Falling on the concrete real fast
    Jumped in my car slammed on the gas
    Bumper to bumper the avenue's packed
    I'm trying to get away before the jackers jack
    Police on the scene you know what I mean
    They passed me up confronted all the dope fiends
    If there was a problem yo I'll solve it Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
    Take heed 'cause I'm a lyrical poet
    Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it
    My town that created all the bass sound
    Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground
    'Cause my style's like a chemical spill
    Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel
    Conducted and formed
    This is a hell of a concept
    We make it hype and you want to step with this
    Shay plays on the fade slice like a ninja
    Cut like a razor blade so fast other DJs say damn
    If my rhyme was a drug I'd sell it by the gram
    Keep my composure when it's time to get loose
    Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice
    If there was a problem yo I'll solve it Check out the hook while Shay revolves it Ice ice baby vanilla Ice ice baby (oh-oh) vanilla Ice ice baby vanilla Ice ice baby vanilla ice Yo man let's get out of here Word to your mother Ice ice baby too cold Ice ice baby too cold too cold (x2) Ice ice baby


    Chubby Dave's Vegas Report

    >> Sunday, December 7, 2008

    I’m always keen for a trip to Vegas, so when I heard about the Mid North Island Cup race being held there I was all over it like a fat man on a small chair.

    After heading up after work on Friday, catching some zzz’s and scoffing breakfast at Zippy’s I headed out on Saturday afternoon for a look at the course. Apparently the course to be used in the North Island Cup will be similar to this one, making this useful recce time. After a couple of laps it was time for me to head back to Cameron Manor for dinner, but I knew where the course went and was fairly comfortable with everything.

    On the morning of race day I rolled into the forest to register and pick up my race number. Upon doing so I was informed the start time had changed from 1pm to 11:30am (No worries – less heat) and that I’d be doing 3 laps rather than the 4 I had expected. I trundle off, drink coffee, sit around, etc…

    I arrived back at the forest for a decent warm up and a bit of a sift around. Somehow (Probably through my own inattention) I missed the start of race briefing, and in doing so wasn’t aware that I was indeed meant to be racing the planned 4 laps rather than the 3 I was told earlier. So anyway, after briefing was over we were given 1 minute until the start. Fuck. I had a near empty bottle and my full one was in the car…. Cue hurried bottle swap. Unfortunately this meant I started D F L, right at the back of the pack. Eating dust. Not to worry.

    I made decent progress on the first bit of 4wd track to be in the first half-dozen or so into the singletrack. Phew. The pace was quick, and I took a few m0ng lines through “Sweet & Sour” leaving me with the feeling that I was struggling. Popping out onto the 4wd climb to the highest point on the track I had someone slip past me – my legs were just not there for some reason. Into “Hot X Buns”, back out into the open 4wd and quickly into “Dragon’s Tail” – this trail is awesome fun, heaps of pumpy berms and small jumps. It was a nice surprise to see my wife and a couple of good friends cheering for me (Well, I assume they were cheering for me…) at the exit of this trail. Down the 4wd and into “Mad if you don’t”, then back out onto the road to complete the lap. Near the end of the first lap my legs seemed to wake up, and I managed to find a bit of speed (Well at least it felt like it anyway). I caught one rider and we rode the majority of the second lap pretty much together (Not in a gay way or anything). At the start of the third lap I managed to pull a wee bit of a gap on him, but had another rider on my tail. All through Sweet & Sour and Bunny Jugs he was close, but I decided it was hammer time on the climb up Direct Road and put enough real estate between him and I to feel comfortable. At this stage my legs were feeling great, I had no cramping at all (despite sweating like a rapist) and I still had half a bottle left.

    Choice - easy ride to the finish. I head back down HXB, along the 4wd and into Dragon’s for the third time. This time I was starting to get the hang of the track, and had great fun popping off little lips here and there. Out of Dragon’s, down the 4wd, into the last trail on the lap and along the road back to 8 Mile Gate. As it was my third lap I pulled up to the timekeeper people (Who were most friendly and very cheerful – awesome stuff). They asked how many laps I’d done, to which I replied “3”. “OK” says them, and I bugger off for a wee spin along a road somewhere to warm down a bit.

    Unfortunately for me it wasn’t until about 15 minutes later I realized the error I had made… there were still riders going out for their final lap while I was standing there looking like a twat. So, a big DNF for me in that one – bike was FANTASTIC, body was good overall (Crap at the start but great for the rest) and the course is simply excellent – a bit of everything – but a few moments inattention from me had cost me a result.

    Never to mind, I learned another very valuable lesson today, and in the process had a hell of a good training session. Roll on the North Island Cup on the 3rd of January.


    Makara Peak relay, schizoid style

    Many people ask me "Slacky, why is it that year after year you continue to partner with that sexual beast of a man Ricky at the Makara Peak Relay race. Why don't you let someone else have a chance with him"
    And to be honest, there is only 1 reason. He's mine bitches.........ALL MINE!!!!
    For the first time in known history I turned up to this event, being neither hungover OR sick. Knowing that Davo is past his racing peak and on the downward slide into obscurity, That both Angry and Tony Teo would be still ensconced in roadie mode from Taupo, that Nick was still carrying his winter weight and looking hella bloated and being lumbered with Kah "core sampler" Chan on his team, I'd have to carry the bushlove Flag forth with pride.

    But never fear, for I was up to the task with my trusty new steed, bringing forth several more inches than most people.
    With a pre-race dash to Karori Park for some last minute weight loss in a flushable toilet, I arrived back to be told instead of the customery start loop around the road, we'd being doing a le-mans start........Ya wot!!!

    Bad Scotty!!!!

    Upon the starters horn I unleashed the mighty calves of doom and made like Ben johnson in a roid raged sprint. People fell by the wayside by my mighty display of sprint power. Angry was seen to be quivering in fear at the start line and had to be bribed by Tony Teo to even start riding. Kindly upon the turn into the Carpark I let Dr Nick and 1 other gent thru to give them some sort of sense of accomplishment before I smashed them. Naturally of course I was the first into the trails. Whereupon I set the pace/held up Big Gav and Jonty for a while. Much pain and suffering ensued up Koru as the pace was high. Coming ontot eh 4wd track the first time and looking back I saw Alex following me up the road. This simply would do so I opened the taps up a lil bit and pulled out a slightly larger gap (slightly) . Popping out onto the 4wd part way up Aratehi and the gap was fairly decent, but both Dr Nick and Alex gained on me with Dr Nick snaking into the top section of Aratehi ahead of Alex, who was wisely conserving himself for his double lapper. I wasn't so wise, but regardless Dr Nick closed the gap somewhat towards the top. I knew Dr Nick was prolly going to have to walk down the snakecharmer as it's slightly above his skill level, so I was pretty confident of holding my place for the first lap, and rode quickly, but safely back down the hill to the end of the lap where upon I tagged/touched myself for the next lap.
    After a quick post touching Ciggie, I headed out again, noting that my heartrate hadn't realy dropped much below 180 -190 for most of the race so far. I wove my way up the magical dance that is Koru at a good pace. Unbeknownst to me a tthe time I was actually second. Big gav got shown the wrong way and had headed down Lazy Fern after having the most massive of leads and tagged jordan who started behind me, and with a typical wainui residents nose for going the wrong actually snaked the shortcut on Koru and getting infront me. I'm not too fussed about it, as he woulda had a nearly 2 min headstart on me anyway if Gav had been shown the right way.
    He was however riding like a roadie down missing link and I closed him up (regardless of the fact that Gav was doing a warm down lap and had already passed me), but he kicked another gear and pulled out a bit on the climb up Aratehi. I had been looking back the whole time and not really seeing anyone. Tho 2 corners from Davo Marshalling position at teh start of the top section of Aratehi I glimpsed Mr Ed making like Lance Armstrong. Pah, no worries, I got a big gap. The sustained heart rate of 180-190 was getting to me however and I was starting to feel it a bit. The sneaky bugger pulled a blinder and as I turned into the snakecharmer, he was just jumping out of Aratehi at the top.
    Still pretty sure I had him, but knew I still had to ride clean and quick to maintain. I made a few lil mistakes on teh way down cos I was feeling pretty shot, but managed to increase the gap marginally. Luckily he's still more roadie than mountie. Althought I really do think the red jacket and jodpurs suit him.
    Came in 3rd overall, so pretty stoked with that. Stoked with the trusty steed as well

    That's my report/epic story of the day.
    Other than top ride by Lisa in the open, Magnificant Effort by the nearly 40yr old (next week) Shane in doing all the tracks as well, and putting his body well on the line. Josh for doing it back to back, Yoga for getting 3rd, Hayden, for finally having a decent race, and mad props to all the marshalls and organisers, and all the bike shops for giving away tonnes of swag. I gotta say, I'm pretty stoked with my new Emotion Hoody that I won. Y'all should buy some of tryfans swag, it's darn cool. Emotion Gear


    A Mountian Biker in a sea of Lycra

    >> Thursday, December 4, 2008

    Check list:
    * MTB SPD's shoes/cleats (Sprigs still in with mud attached)
    * Karapoti cycle jersey
    * Long fingered MTB gloves
    Right I'm ready for a road race...:)

    A stunning day bought a stunning race. Never before have I seen soo many people at a bike race with little or no chaos. Full credit to the Taupo event .

    Right down to business.
    Standing at the start I took a peak over my should and to my surprise the was an impressive line up of Lycra & Carbon as far as the eye could see. Thinking "Am I in the wrong race?" when out of the corner of my eye I saw a cameraman interviewing some random dude next to me, shugged it off and start some sort of mental 'pre race prep', relax into a bunch, get settled, coach said stay 3/4 of the way up the bunch, watch for breaks, hydrate, did I leave the Iron on???

    Off we pushed (Truly a casual meander for the start). Across the bridge and up the first hill it didn't take long for the bunch to form. As planned I settled into the bunch an proceeded the relax, looking around the bunch I saw Bevan Docherty riding up next to me, Ahhh now the cameraman makes sense. Whilst trying not to fall off my bike with excitement I spent the next 45min riding behind him reading his name tag, 'Bevan Docherty, you're an Olympic champion going through my head' the things you do to pass the time in a race... The next hour was much of the same enjoying the scenery and trying to not clip the person in front. Just over an hour into the race there was a little commotion up the front of the pack, with one of the riders pointing out he could see the Group 1a ahead. Suddenly it was all on, a rotation was started and the tempo changed up a gear, standing up on all the hills with the typical roadie banter telling someone to get up the front and "Do some bloody work". With every corner we turn the pack ahead came closer and closer until we had them! a wave of roadies covered both sides of the road and stay there for the next 15min. Car squeezing past with the call from riders "Car", Car", "Caaar". Funny the sound of this reminds me of 'Finding Nemo" when all of the seagulls are chasing a Nemo calling "Mine", "Mine", etc (It would makes sense if you heard it).

    So Kuratau hill came and went and I was feeling the pinch on the up hills, but pulling back fine on the flats. But suddenly a break away had formed and I spent the next 15min watching my pack try to catch them, half hearted attempt if you ask me, so I took the hand break off and dropped the lead foot. Passing the front of my group in seconds and powering out by myself... or so I thought. Left right, left right, push push, closer and closer I pulled in the break away group until I was safely attached to the back Woot Wooo!!! I had done it. Little did I know I had also just pulled the hundred odd lazy bastards from the pack behind with me. To my surprise one of them praised me for being there by tapping me on the back saying "Glad you here mate, they would have got away otherwise"...

    The rest of the race was much of the same with Me and Connor Power (Bike friend) passing a bit of smack talk back and forwards to kill the time. Hatepe Hill came and once again I struggle up 'left right, left right, push push...' when I heard a voice from behind "Come on mountain biker, get up the hill, your being passed by a 52yr old..." Marco!!! A sudden rush of incentive came over me and I chased hard, catching Marco just over the top of the hill. Back into the bunch it was time to power home. Along the flats, up the Airport hill, into Taupo. Somehow I ended up at the front, the reality why hit me pretty quickly, the Lazy Bastards were back sitting on my tail waiting for the sprint, until the last corner and 200mtrs from the finish BAM!!! Off they went, I tried to respond but had nothing, one day will learn...

    Stoked with my result I came in at 4hrs 08min, a respectable result for my first Lake Taupo Challenge. Officially I finished 5th in my age category, and 95th over all. I'll be back next year in the Classic Race (Up with the big boys, yes Clive that's you)

    Oh and P.S Bloody Marco (52yr old shark) beat me by a mere 9secs, good effort Marco.

    The Tiger


    What a Classic

    >> Monday, December 1, 2008

    Decided to race the Taupo Classic this year, so was uber nervous at the start line at 6:45am, lining up next to the likes of Gordon Macauley, Sam Bewley and Peter Lathem can make you feel pretty weak, but luckily I was feeling pretty strong, had a great bike and some nice Aero Wheels so didn't feel out of place.

    The race started and got up to speed very quickly, the top guys know how to pour on the pace and right from the get go it was hammer down. But i was surprised at my uphill speed and was comfortable on all of the climbs and pinch climbs, possible where I lack is speed on the flat and positioning in the bunch as a couple of times I drifted too far to the back of the bunch.

    We go to Kuratau before I knew it and the bunch concertinaed and I ended up with my chain crossed up and when I dropped from big chain ring it popped off , I put it back into high but it wouldnt bite back on so had to stop.. DAMMMM.. I got off and tried to put back on but was in a bit of a panic as the bunch was passing me, luckily one of the guys in a wheel wagan ran over and stuck it back on and I was off again, the bunch had about a 100m gap at this stage.

    I had 2 options, wait for the chasing bunch which was nowhere in sight or put on the sprint legs, deciding I didnt like option 1 I put on the hill sprint legs and took off, it felt like 15 minutes of uphill sprinting and my heart felt like it was going to explode, but after a while I recaught the bunch just before the summit, but by this time I was cramping badly from my crazed sprint and was just managing to hold on so crusied mid pack hoping my legs would come back which they did by about 10 kms from Hatepe, Up Hatepe I darent get out of the seat as I knew bad things would happen so climbed seated and was towards the back of the bunch by the top and just like last year I forgot how quickly the bunch gets away at the top of Hatepe, so I sprinted again and just managed to tag onto the back again, but by this time I had spent all of my coins on my hill sprint up Kuratau and just couldnt hold the pace so slowly started to drift back off the pack. Luckily it was all pretty much downhill from there and by looking at my speedo I was on for a sub 4 so not all was lost. I kept a good TT pace going too the finish and ended up 3 minutes behind the bunch and about 9 minutes behind Peter Latham and the other winners and was absolutley shagged. Felt pretty emotional at the end and had a couple of tears in my eyes when I saw my wife at the finish line and that hasnt happened since Mrs Mangle died in Neighbours back in the 1980's (shes was always misunderstood).

    So all up very pleased, official time was 3:52:55

    BIG thanks to Joel Healy for doing my training plans this year he has helped me a lot with his insight and experience (and the loan of his aero wheels :) ).

    Will have another crack next year, but need to do some longer 4+ hour rides beforehand. AND buy some Zipp 404's :)


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